By Lulu Jemimah

A great number of domestic violence cases that are reported or stories told, usually have a line or two about the victim being none the wiser of her assailant’s aggressive behaviour.

This although true for some women doesn’t take away the fact that sometimes the signs are right there even on a first date but some women choose to ignore them.

A lot of people would agree that a person who tends to be violent will be spotted a mile away if attention is paid to detail although Mr Henry Nsubuga, a psychologist working with CDC school of Public Health reveals that it’s not always in black and white when it comes to realising one’s violent streak.

“You may find the time of dating very smooth and fail to tell but if you spend a bit of time just the two of you could just as well realise,” he elaborates.
 
Domestic abuse does not discriminate and when you think a relationship is too good to be true especially in the initial stage, sometimes it’s because it is. Watch out for signs of possessive, restrictive and controlling behaviour.

It may come off as love; blinding you to the fact that his affections are bordering on controlling.
Not all abuse involves physical threat; emotional abuse can also leave deep and lasting scars. Potential abusers can be given away by the way they treat and talk to others.

It could be a waitress, a subordinate or someone who passed by and accidentally stepped his shoes. Violent outbursts and demeaning language to other people can be a red flag for his behaviour towards you. Mr Nsubuga adds that the way he talks to you and the fact that he wants to fight after every misunderstanding and his reactions can also be a give away.

“I avoided making a mistake by breaking up with a man who insisted women were second place one week into the relationship,” Sheila N. says, giving another possible indicator of the violent kind. They usually have very traditional views about women and tend to use humiliating or demeaning language as tools for their abuse. “I noticed he used derogatory terms for other women, such as “slut,” and had a sexist attitude.”

Sheila noted. She is not surprised that the same man is now battering his wife, also a friend of hers.
In some cases, a background check is all you need. Was he battered as a child or did he grow up witnessing his mother or sister being hit?

The exception to the rule is a man who says he was subjected to abuse and there is no way that he would do this to his partner or children. Find out about past relationships with women he has dated. Was he violent with them? If so, it’s wise to be cautious.

“I was dating a very loving man for close to five years but there was only one chink in his armour and that was violence under the influence” Flavia, a 28-year-old bank teller remembers.

Her boyfriend loved to drink and after the first three beers would start to get loud and obnoxious and in the privacy of their home (and sometimes in the presence of their friends), he “disciplined her.” He would later have no or little recollection of the incident.

This however doesn’t mean that these are definite signs that one is violent. Mr Nsubuga explains that domestic violence has its roots in a number of aspects easily categorised as social and personal. “It depends on nature and nurture; what someone has gone through and how they were brought up.”

Growing up with a violent father or a retaliating mother and in a society where it’s acceptable to beat or abuse women can lead to a likened personality not because it’s one’s character but rather one’s subconscious.

A man in this case would see no fault hitting a woman while the women (with violent mothers) would have the “if my husband did this, I would fight him’ mentality”, observes Mr. Nsubuga.

“All of us can be angry and act violent but we choose not to because of the society we were brought up in.”
Sometimes growing up in harsh environments like war torn areas or those with a lot of strife can lead to violence towards partners. Human beings, according to Mr Nsubuga are always changing; it can be hard to determine what can trigger one’s reaction.

He says some of the factors include drinking, one’s company- say those encouraging him to beat his partner, history but not necessarily mood swings because even with these, violence can be controlled.